you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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