it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
