So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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