i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
