So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
