A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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