you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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