fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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