Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
