I wish I could teleport
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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