Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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