plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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