I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
