just come out here and I will go home with you...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
now i know why i became what i already was.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
