theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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