just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
