No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
