Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
