Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
