I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
