you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
