Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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