if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
my poor anus
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we're so committed to being not committed
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
