the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
