Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
