apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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