He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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