forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
