Plan B is the new Plan A
People in love make me want to vomit
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
