I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
