My friends, they love my intelligence
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
