He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
