She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize