Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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