you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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