I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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