i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
