Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
