I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
