we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
This baby is an asshole
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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