i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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