Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?