I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.