Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
