Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
