I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
