Me too!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
