He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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