it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
