He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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