i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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