I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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