when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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