I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
